My wife, Roberta, and I were both raised by old school parents; part of that upbringing says a child should never, ever address an adult by their first name. Early in our relationship my wife's children's, ages 10 and 14, called me Mr. Gerardo and Mr. Campbell. When we started making wedding plans we discussed what the children should call me after we jumped the broom. At the time, Roberta had joint custody with her ex so being called dad or another father derivative was not an option.
The kids also agreed; I felt it sounded too stuffy to continue with Mr. Campbell and Mr. Gerardo so I asked to be called by my first name (so much for my old school training). I guess Gerardo was a mouthful for everyone. Eventually, everyone began calling me "G" which continues to this day. After my son Nathaniel was born, the kids referred to me as Daddy when speaking with Nathaniel. Now that Nathaniel is a wise teenager he frequently calls me "Old Man."
Question 1: Should I Force my Children to Call my Boyfriend Dad?
Background
This question is from a single mom who has been living with her boyfriend. She has two daughters from a previous relationship and they have a daughter together. Her children do not want to call him dad until after they get married. The children reached this decision on their own. The boyfriend hasn't proposed to the mom yet and there's uncertainty whether he ever will. The mom doesn't feel she should force her older daughters to call him dad. The boyfriend feels she should and he's resentful of her decision.
Answer
Absolutely not; you should not force your children to call your boyfriend dad. You should praise your children for their wisdom in wanting to wait until you are married before calling him dad. Again, it should be your children's decision. Also, you shouldn't be surprised if they decide not to call him dad after you're married. Your boyfriend needs to understand your children already have a dad and he is deserving of the title. It's troubling he would make an issue about being called dad yet has not proposed or discussed his intentions for the future regarding you and your children.
Question 2: What Should my Son call his new Stepfather?
Background
This question is from a single mom who's remarrying. Her son is five years old and his biological father is very involved in his life. She doesn't think Daddy or Dad is appropriate. She's concerned about her son calling his stepdad by his first name. She feels it's a little too informal and mature for a five year old.
Answer
I agree; your son calling his new stepfather Daddy or Dad isn't appropriate. The title of Dad should be reserved for the biological father. It would be up to your son to decide if he eventually wants to call his stepdad "Dad." I also agree that five years old is too young to be calling an adult by their first name. Your son could call his new stepdad, "Pa," "Pop," "Daddy G (first initial of first name)," or adopt a foreign version of dad, for example, Padre or Papi (Spanish), Otosan (Japanese) or Papa (French). Check out the following link for more ideas: father in different languages.
I suggest first running the names past your fiance to identify the pool of names he likes and then present them to your son and leave it up to him to pick the one he wants to use.
Question 3: What does my 18 month old call his step Grandma?
Background
This question is from a mother of an 18 month old son who doesn't have a name for her child to call her father's wife. She doesn't consider her a stepmother since her dad married her after she was already grown and she refers to her by her first name. It doesn't seem right for my son to call her "Grandma." In her words, he already has two of those. The step grandma loves her grandson and does a lot for him.
Answer
If your father's wife is a modern grandma, she's probably interested in a name synonymous with fun and joie de vivre. Some modern names for Grandma include: G-Mom, MayMay, Mimi, Nina, Bella and GiGi. If she's more traditional minded you could call her Nana, Granny, Gamma, Grandmama and Gran. You can also consider adopting a foreign version of grandma. There's Hebrew for grandmother, "Bubbe," Italian is "Nonna," Greek is "Ya-Ya" and Spanish is "Abuela." Having lived in Germany for five years I'm partial to "Oma."
Final Thoughts
William Shakespeare wrote, "A rose by any other name would smell as sweet." In the context of stepparents it means, "What matters is who you are as a person, not what your called." Although we may never be called, "Dad" or "Mom" we choose to be and act like one deserving of the title.
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